Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here