[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
the clam before the storm