@romiza_: *Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I'm trying to kill mosquitoes*
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@Tw1tter_K1tten: I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
@daemonic3: Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don't realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
@4SLars: [Explaining nomenclature to my niece] Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word "whore" in Polish? Me: What a beautiful language...