I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
O Wise One….
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably