Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
lmfao
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically