Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
You Might Also Like
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan