Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
You Might Also Like
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I told my vodka about you.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.