@CroweJam: Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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@MooseAllain: Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing's happened to him, I'm just sad to hear about him.
@DurtMcHurtt: [funeral] Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring? *sliding it off his finger* Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe...
@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
@envydatropic: In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn't have Twitter in the 80s