Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don鈥檛 want it to be awkward.
[dumping my father-in-law鈥檚 ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I鈥檓 gonna nail this chick鈥檚 eardrum!
Ok鈥ho left the bag of idiots open?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I am interested in:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 making peace with the terror of being alive
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
japanese corn
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won鈥檛 be doing any of the actual cleaning, I鈥檒l just be calling you at random times to tell you I鈥檓 on my way to your house and I鈥檒l be there in about 45 minutes
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how鈥檇 you get out of the casket
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what鈥檚 the number
Me: they didn鈥檛 say