@pembdave: Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
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@robyn_vo: I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn't tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
@SoulYodeler: Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
@AaronFullerton: "Today's special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters..."