@WetzelGeek: Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering "...it would be so easy..."
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@TomMughal: I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it's because I look authoritative not because I look like I'm wearing a mask.
@Neauxpe: A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment. Bros before hoes.
@ArfMeasures: THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly? ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Name one of your strengths" I didn't stab anyone today "That's not-" Yesterday wasn't so good tho