@kelkulus: Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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@Parentpains: My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.
@SenatorBigfoot: *dies & becomes a ghost* Wow! The philosophical & theological repercussions of this are staggering! I've got to tell-- *is eaten by Pac-Man*
@leshnevsky: Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!