@kelkulus: Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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@jiggynye: My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
@timdonakowski: Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
@1Happytwit: My ex told me that Gaga's "Bad Romance" song reminds him of me. Now I'm glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.