@kelkulus: Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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@trims_the_fat: I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me. I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date Much more satisfying.
@HomeProbably: The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell. Now no one ever knocks on my door.
@XplodingUnicorn: 7-year-old: What's your favorite color? Me: I don't know. 7: I thought you went to college.
@Brampersandon_: A new study finds that chicken isn't as healthy for you as once thought. "Just don't ask to see our data" clucked one feathered researcher.