Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
you have three unread messages
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture: