WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
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You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex