Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.