Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
You Might Also Like
can’t bark with your mouth full
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.