Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
You Might Also Like
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.