Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.