Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀