Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat