WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
shut up and take my money
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Hard not to take this personally
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack