@Home_Halfway: *Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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@Sickayduh: BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL ME: Who? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
@TheTweetOfGod: The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what's truly important in life, like their iPhones.
@BrandonVine: I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
@steveolivas: If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?