*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
No regrets in 2018
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*