women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”