Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
twitter users today:
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.