Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Bread puns are on the rise!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that