@Nursey2Be: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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@GensPlace: We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: 'Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces...'
@Storminika: The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I'm hoping there's gonna be a sniper.
@MythicPicnic: Bought a new exercise program Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort So I did
@T_N_Crumpets: *Bruno Mars on the radio* Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me? Brain: Just say, YES! Me: Has the pin been pulled? Brain: Idiot!