Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?