sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
They got a point!