oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Not my job 😂
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???