Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
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Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
repaired
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?