Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
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Did a trash talking tree write this?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.