@samalmightysam: Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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@seanscrap: Hello, Atheist Ghostbusters? Yes? I have a ghost in my bathroom. No, you don’t. Oh, right. Thanks so much! That’s why we’re here.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
@thenatewolf: Tell me more about these male enhancement pills... Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts? Will I know how to make pelts?
@internetluke: [at wine tasting] Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone. "Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine" Strong smokey undertone