Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no