Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Me in tagged photos
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids