Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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