Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up