PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Beware of the “party goblin”…
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART