@samalmightysam: Women have closets full of 'I have nothing to wear.'
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@Shower4Thought: Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
@joeljeffrey: [Eating] Waiter: How's the meal? Me: I dunno. Let me check *pulls out phone Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram Waiter: ...
@kyry5: At a business meeting: "How about SuperCupid?" "No, expectations will be too high" "GreatCupid?" "Lower" "Uhhh, OKCupid?" "Brilliant"
@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.