Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“what’s it like having a sister?”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.