Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Discuss
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin