@NoogsCorner: Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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@PetrickSara: This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days. KID FREE for DAYS! So I licked her face.
@GalaxyKate: Academic paper protip: end your Conclusion section with "just as the old woman in the forest predicted" or "in defiance of the prophecies"
@mollzbenn: Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.
@AndRyanTF: GF - What's that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?