Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Help Wanted
Hero horse inspires millions
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.