@NoogsCorner: Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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@electrolemon: i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
@huntigula: Me: If Obi-Wan's clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn't ghost Obi-Wan naked? My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
@iGreenMonk: Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don't think I'm beating her.
@BackrowSeats: The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.