Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
(Electricians.)
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit