Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
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trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?