Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Storm Tropical Storm
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
philosophical skeletons be like
when you order from DoorDastardly
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
sensitive skin
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*