@o__0Dev: Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.
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@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
@Procaffinator: Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
@matt___nelson: Narrator: "Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution" [cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]