Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
me 2 months after i graduated
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.