Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My Guy
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.