Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
You Might Also Like
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.