That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
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I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day