@meganamram: Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you're not jogging fast enough
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@leshnevsky: How to make a woman crazy in two steps: 1. Take a picture of her 2. Don't show her the picture
@KentWGraham: If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
@lafpgh: He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then...he insulted my tweets.
@daliamalek: Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it's justified.