@meganamram: Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you're not jogging fast enough
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@Thedudish: The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
@TheDairylandDon: The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
@cervixsmash: If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you
@Mmelulu: Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.