Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The three genders.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts