@peachesanscream: Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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@AlanHungover: No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
@stacieooooo: You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
@InternetHippo: If Trump is so bad why does he visit a homeless shelter every day? [someone whispers in my ear] I am now being told it’s to taunt them