I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can鈥檛 figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn鈥檛 deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 stabbing you.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
We found love in a hopeless place.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.