@ShoutingGoddess: If I yawn, and the person talking says, 'Sorry for boring you', I graciously accept their apology. Because, manners.

@IamEnidColeslaw: drank a Mike's Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@DjJazzyJeffro: A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

@ShitJokes: Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water? If it sinks = girl ant. If it floats = buoyant.

@Rollinintheseat: Please, person who just said "libary", tell me more about what an avid reader you are.