me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
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[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Autocorrect is my menesis
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me