Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: