Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.