Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
thanksgiving in nutshell
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Finished stitching this today 😇
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.