Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
You are what you delete.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night